Dear Sirs,
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil
and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no
longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and
what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Tiffany, is now 16. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a
breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep
in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her
to school. Tiffany also has a boyfriend. Oh joy!
While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in
the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.
Josh is 13. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together
than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not
incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer that was
bring Josh home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 13 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the
house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables,
inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one
day. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the
sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her
remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped
it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying me! It is quite obvious that we were terrible parents
(ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing, Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure
that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in
her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out
what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which
two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt
with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have
time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls,
then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding
on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)